


Flotsam

by Kainen_no_Kitsune



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Light Masochism, Mental Breakdown, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, papyrus is a sweetheart, reader has no prescribed gender, reader is a sad bean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 10:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kainen_no_Kitsune/pseuds/Kainen_no_Kitsune
Summary: A peaceful day by the lake goes wrong when some hooligan's mean spirited comments trigger a depressive episode.





	Flotsam

**Author's Note:**

> I'm quite a bit late for the Undertale train, but here we are. Self-indulgent flippery at it's finest. Be warned, the majority of this takes a dip into intense self-hatred and barely treated mental health issues, but there is a happy ending!
> 
> Flotsam (n): People or things that have been rejected and are regarded as worthless.

The only real upside of the summer months was being able to go out and swim in a body of water that didn’t give you that disgusting chlorine feel. Otherwise summer was just a never ending hellscape bathed in the burning light of that malicious ball of flaming gasses up in the sky. You sighed as you shrugged on your summer hoodie, an old favorite that had been cut off at the elbows when the sleeves got too worn out. It still holds in too much heat, especially for the 100+ degree weather outside, but it was worth it for the extra bit of comfort. If ever you needed the security blanket, today would be the day. You've always intensely disliked being less than fully covered in public.

“NYEH-HEH-HEH! SOFT HUMAN, THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS NOW READY TO ESCORT YOU! I HOPE YOU ARE PREPARED FOR A FULL DAY OF AMAZING WATER ACTIVITIES PLANNED BY YOURS TRULY!”

You chuckled to yourself as you heard Papyrus bust out of his bedroom door. The skeleton’s exuberant personality had thrown you off for a long time after you first met him, but the darling really was a complete sweetheart. The nickname had hurt at first, reminding you of all the jabs at your weight you had heard growing up, and, admittedly, still told yourself to this day. After the first few times it had happened though, you had asked Sans to please tell his brother to stop calling you that. You had hesitantly explained how it made you feel, and, in return, he insisted that you ask Paps what he actually means when he says that. You could still remember the incredible love you felt for this little family you had become part of when Papyrus explained that 'soft human' for him referred to your 'endless kindness' and 'wonderful, warm, cozy hugs'. The nickname had felt like a badge of honor since.

You finished finagling up the broken zipper (another side-effect of years of constant wear and tear) and were making sure you looked okay in the mirror when you heard a soft knock come from the open door to the room you shared with Sans. You turned to find the skeleton in question leaning against the doorframe.

“hey babe, you about ready? i had paps start loading up that stuff you had by the door into his car, so we can roll out whenever.”

He gave a skeptical once over at how overdressed you are in jeans and your cut off hoodie. Even Sans had dropped the usual jacket in favor of a white t-shirt and a pair of black and white bone patterned swim trunks. 

“gotta say, i was kinda hoping you'd be in something a bit more seaworthy, if you catch my drift.”

“Don’t worry bone boy, I’ve got my swim stuff on under this. I thought we might stop by the store and pick up some of those energy drinks we like for later tonight. We wouldn't want to get washed away by Paps's boundless energy by the end of the day.”

"yeah, i can see where you wouldn't want to rock the boat. showing up with no pants does tend to cause some waves."

He came up and hugged you from behind, shooting you a content smile and a wink in the mirror.

You give him a small smile and wink of your own in return, before grabbing your nearby phone and wallet and following him back into your living room. Papyrus must have just taken out the last of your supplies. You kind of felt guilty that he carried out that mountain of stuff on his own. A blanket, extra clothes, towels, a couple meals worth of food plus snacks, water toys, etcetera, etcetera. It was supposed to be an all-day outing after all, and you wanted to be prepared for anything.

Papyrus bounded back in, catching you up in a massive hug. It had freaked you out the first few times he lifted you up off the ground in the course of a hug, you were paranoid he was going to hurt himself trying to lift up that much weight. He seemed to be fine every time though, and after a while you just learned to roll with it. To be honest, it felt kind of good to have somebody around who could pick you up like you weighed nothing. You pushed down that vague nagging feeling of unease, returning Papyrus’s hug.

“SOFT HUMAN, GOOD MORNING TO YOU! NOW, LET US TAKE OFF ON OUR ADVENTURE!”

"Good morning to you too Papy, and thank you for loading everything. We're all ready to go." He let you down with a joyous ‘Nyeh-heh’ before speeding out of the door once more. Doubtless he was already in his car, waiting impatiently for you two lazybones to join him. You couldn’t help the smile that took over your face. Papyrus had been so excited for this trip ever since you had first mentioned it a few weeks ago, and as always his excitement was infectious.

You walked out of your front door to find Sans already waiting for you despite having just been behind you. It had been confusing for so long, and he still managed to startle you every now and then. In that moment his teleporting antics only earned an affectionate eye roll from you as you locked your door behind you. When you had finished he offered you his hand, which you gladly too-ppphhhttt.

You wanted to glare at him at the sound of the whoopee cushion that squeaked out from your joined hands, but the half suppressed giggles ruined that. Honestly, you couldn’t be that surprised. If a week passed without a whoopee cushion appearing in some inconvenient location, something would have to be horribly wrong. You kept ahold of his hand anyways, taking off at a leisurely pace for Papyrus’s car.

“i’m glad that one’s still able to tickle your funny bone”

“Well, it’s a surprise that I still find you humerus at all.” You replied and planted a quick kiss on the top of his skull. That was the Parietal bone, right? Sans had a habit of teaching you the names of bones at night (usually after you had gotten very well acquainted with his own of course). “After a year of living together, you would think that I would find your comedy bone dry by now.”

“ah, what can i say sweetheart? i’d work myself to the bone coming up with new material, but to patella the truth, it’s always best to stick to the boneified classics.”

You both broke down into giggles, taking your sweet time walking over to Papyrus’s car. You heard the aforementioned skeleton let out a frustrated groan.

“SANS, I BEG OF YOU, NO MORE PUNS. THIS WILL BE A LONG DRIVE INDEED IF I MUST LISTEN TO YOU TWO PUNNING AT EACH OTHER THE WHOLE WAY!”

The poor skeleton was trying to frown at you two, and he was almost successful. The little twitch at the corner of his mouth that he couldn’t seem to suppress gave him away.

“Aw common Paps, we all know you find our jokes punny…”

You couldn’t seem to stop grinning as you slid into the back seat of the candy apple red convertible, Sans leaning over from where he had blipped into existence next to you to grin at Papyrus in the rearview mirror.

“and to tell us otherwise would be a fibula.”

“SAAAANNNSSSS!!”

Your giggles morphed into full blown laughter at Papyrus’s horrified screech. Sans’s laughter joined you, and eventually even Papyrus begrudgingly joined in. Papyrus started up his car, laughter dying off and leaving him with a wide grin on his face. Eventually even your giggles died down, a hand brought up to your mouth to stifle the last of them.

You looked over when you felt Sans grab your other hand, and your grin softened to a smile at his expression. His smile was wide and he looked genuinely happy. Not even half an hour in, and everyone was laughing and having fun. So far it had been a good day.

You had a good feeling that this day could only get better.

-0-0-0-0-

You giggled to yourself, ribs hurting from how much laughing you had been doing all day. Between Sans’s endless puns and minor pranks, and Papyrus just being himself, you hadn’t stopped laughing at any point. You had spent most of the morning sitting with Sans on the shore, talking and watching Paps frolic around like a skeletal water nymph. You didn’t want to tire yourself out too early, it was only just lunch time and there was no way you would be able to keep up with Papyrus’s boundless energy.

You had rapidly ditched everything below the waist once you were at the mercy of the outdoor heat. Other than your currently unzipped jacket, but it looked like time had come to take that off too. Sans had gotten ahold of one of the water pistols you had brought along for later and heartily spritzed you right in the middle of your back.

“heh, you’re looking a bit soggy there kid. water you waiting for, get that jacket off. it should dry out fine over there.”

You pouted at him before getting up and walking over to the nearby sundrenched rock that he had pointed out. You took a moment to mentally prepare yourself before pulling off the jacket. God, you hated having your arms and legs exposed, and the spandex top of your swimsuit wasn't doing your pudgy stomach any favors. You had to remind yourself that it was just the skeleton brothers, one of which didn't have a mean bone in his body, and the other was _intimately_ familiar with your form. As long as you could fight off that stupid voice in the back of your head, you should be okay.

You made your way back over to the blanket to sit with Sans, pointedly ignoring his wink and cat-call. Okay, maybe you didn’t completely ignore it, considering the floaty, fluttering feeling in your heart and stomach. You leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek (zygomatic process your brain automatically provided), before pulling out the supplies for lunch.

You had decided to just cater to everyone’s tastes for this outing. There were a couple hotdogs for Sans (with a bottle of ketchup on the side, of course), some spaghetti you had prepared last night for Papyrus, and just a couple peanut butter and honey sandwiches for you. Add on a couple sodas, some water, and a family sized bag of chips, and the meal was complete. You weren’t really very hungry because of the heat, but you knew the brothers would get worried if you didn’t eat anything.

“Papy, come on in! It’s time for lunch!”

The excitable skeleton made his way quickly out of the water, his thin bones allowing him to move through the liquid faster than any human. He paused by the shore to allow the water to fall off of him and wrung the loose legs of his trunks out until they stopped dripping. He sat on the towel you had already placed down for him, eye sockets widening as he saw what you had prepared for him.

“THANK YOU HUMAN, FOR PREPARING SUCH A WONDERFULL MEAL!”

He dug heartily into the spaghetti. You had looked up some tips on how to make above average spaghetti just for Papyrus, and if the look of glee on his face as he rapidly went through the container was anything to go by, you had done well. You could still remember the first time you had gotten him to let you cook spaghetti for him. The look of joy (and pasta sauce) on his face as he took the first bite would be forever memorialized as the lock screen for Sans’s phone, no matter how much Papyrus begs him to change it.

“yeah, thanks babe. i really relish any opportunity to eat your cooking”

Sans said as he took his first ketchup sodden bite of hot dog. You couldn’t help the way your face scrunched up at the smell, but he knew not to take your dislike of condiments seriously at this point. As long as they stayed away from your food, it was all good. You smiled at their praise.

“It’s not really anything special, but thank you guys.”

You started in on your first sandwich, pulling the crust off and eating it before taking a bite into the soft center. Jelly seemed a bit to heavy and sweet for the kind of heat you were sitting in, but the taste of honey was light and mixed really well with the peanut butter. You all sat in silence, enjoying the meal and each other’s company.

A sudden honk from behind startled you, almost causing you to drop your sandwich. You turned and found a truck slowly driving by on the road that ran just above your swim spot. Some teenage boy was hanging out of the passenger window and his face held a shit-eating grin that only widened when you caught his eye.

“Hey look, it’s a beached whale! Quick, someone help Shamu get back in the water!”

He proceeded to make horrendous whale noises before the truck sped off, his laughter continuing to float in the air behind. Or was it just reverberating in your head? Sans’s smile was strained, his eye lights flickering out as he stared off after the assholes, before coming back to gaze worriedly at you. Poor papyrus just looked confused. You felt suddenly cold, your heart struggling to push the ice water that had replaced your blood through your veins.

You set what was left of your food down before your hands could start shaking too badly; you weren’t really hungry anymore anyways. You silently pushed yourself to your feet, ignoring Papyrus’s confused exclamations. 

"BROTHER, WHAT IS A SHAMU? THERE ARE NO WHALES HERE, WHY WOULD THAT HUMAN YELL SUCH A THING?"

You hurried over to your previously abandoned hoodie. It was uncomfortably hot from sitting in the sun, and still damp, but you just couldn’t stand not having it on anymore. It took three tries to get the zipper to work right, at which point you had to put in effort to breathe normally. 

_Not enough, it’s not enough. Cover more. Ugly, disgusting, no one wants to see your fat ass, you piece of trash. Disgusting, useless…_ The litany of the derisive voice only became louder as it finally seized a dominant position at the forefront of your thoughts. You stared off across the water, drowning in the hatred that flooded your thoughts. The ice in your chest was slowly creeping up to latch its strangle hold around your throat. You vaguely registered something tugging at your hand, turning your head sluggishly to gaze down at your bonefriend. His eyes were wide, his smile turned into a worried grimace. 

“you alright babe?”

You put on a forced smile.

“Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll just need a while to feel... comfortable again” Sans steps around you to take your face into his hands, giving you a loving and concerned smile.

"i think you look great. don't worry, before long things will be going swimmingly again."

"Thanks love. I needed that." You squeezed his hand before letting go to search for your pants. You could hear Sans wandering back over to sit with Papyrus, and his mumbled explanations about what the rude kid had actually meant.

 _Weak, useless, you’re worrying them. You give in so easily, you don’t deserve them. You always worry them, that’s all your good for. Disappear, make it easier for them. Disappear, disappear, Disappear, DISAPPEAR, DIS-_ your jaw clenched as you forcefully beat off the voice. It would be a short reprieve, the clawed hand of ice at your throat reminded you of that, but it would last just long enough to assuage their fears and go off to the nearby bathroom. You pulled on your jeans, finally finding them underneath the half-empty bag that held the food. After slipping on your socks and shoes, you pulled open another bag, grabbing your wallet and phone from the waterproof Ziploc you had them in. There was also a small knife meant for cutting fishing line you had brought, hoping to sneak off with Sans for a bit and do that silly adolescent ritual of carving your initials into a tree. But now... you discreetly slipped it into your pocket with the phone. 

You turned back to find both of the skeletons gazing at you worriedly, Papyrus understanding the insult after his brother's explanation. You put on another smile, a bit more genuine this time with the voice pushed down for the moment. 

"IT WAS VERY RUDE OF THAT HUMAN TO INTRUDE ON OUR FESTIVITIES WITH SUCH MEAN SPIRITED COMMENTS. I DO HOPE THAT YOU ARE NOT TOO UPSET BY THEIR UNTRUTHFUL WORDS."

“I’m fine Papy, don’t worry about it. Let’s finish eating, yeah?”

You sat and continued in on your sandwich. You couldn’t taste your food, but this seemed to at least calm them down some ( _you don’t deserve to eat you fat piece of shit, you don’t deserve it_ ). Sans leaned against your side, holding your free hand as he took another bite of his hotdog. They both shot you worried glances every now and then and the atmosphere wasn’t as comfortable as before, but after a little bit they relaxed. The longer you sat there, however, you could feel your heart sinking lower and lower, the phantom grip around your throat tightening with every swallow. You finished off the first sandwich, and stared at the second. Could you stand eating it? Could you…

 _Worthless piece of shit, pay for your mistakes. You’ve worried them and it’s all your fault. PAY for it._ No, you couldn’t. You needed to go soon before you broke down in-front of them. You could feel it coming on like a storm in summer, raging through your body and tearing at your mind. Sans knew you had depression that was tied to a nearly non-existent sense of self worth; you weren’t exactly subtle about it. Your adorable little bonefriend had helped you through the aftermath of more than a few episodes, and had been trying his hardest for years to help you to tear down your negative self-image. However, despite being together for two years, living together for one, and being friends for even longer, you had managed to keep all of your worst episodes to yourself. Papyrus, the sweet darling, would understand. They both would, and you knew it, but you just couldn’t let them see that. You had to go, now. 

“Hey guys, I need to make a trip to the bathroom. Go ahead and start swimming without me. I’ll be back in a few.”

As you made to stand up, Sans stood too.

“i’ll go with you, babe. Don’ want you gettin’ swept away or anything.”

A bit of panic rose. Shit, he can’t be there, he can’t! He can’t see what a _worthless piece of garbage you really are._

“N-no!”

He startled, his eyes narrowing up at you. Damnit, you’re bad at hiding this.

“I’ll be fine hun, you stay and finish eating. I won’t take long.”

You tried to bring up your most genuine smile for him, and it must have worked, because he set back down. The suspicious look never left his eye sockets, but the job was done. You leaned down and planted another kiss to the top of his head (‘sagittal suture’ some distant part of your mind supplied), before waving to Papyrus and taking off in the direction of the park’s bathrooms. They weren’t too far, just beyond the tree line, but you had to control yourself until you were out of sight. The urge to run to privacy was swiftly overtaking you, and you had to fight to keep your steps even and calm.

When you finally turned past the tree line, you took off at a jog. _Faster, fat ass, faster. Don’t want them catching you. You don’t want them to see how broken you really are inside._ You tried to run faster, but ended up overbalancing and falling to the ground. You landed on your hands and knees, but you could barely feel the rocks scraping into your skin. The voice had descended upon you full force, ridiculing your every movement.

 _Useless, can’t even make it to the bathroom like a normal human being. What a waste of space. Get up, get in there, they’ll see. Or maybe you want them to see, you pathetic little attention whore._ You pulled yourself off the ground, wincing at the pain in your right knee. You probably fucked it up again; it was weak to begin with. God, you really were useless. You limped into the little single stall bathroom and locked the door behind you.

The room had all the stink of a rarely maintained facility, but that didn’t matter right now. You walked up to the mirror, your stomach turning in disgust at the sight of yourself. You were disgusting. The voice was right. It always was. You didn’t deserve them. _You deserve nothing but suffering. That is all a waste of space like you deserves._ You slid down the wall next to the sink, your breathing uneven as the tears welled up in your eyes.

_Useless, useless, useless, pathetic waste of space. You want this don’t you? It makes you feel special. You like making them worry, and they’re going to leave you. You don’t deserve them, they just don’t see it yet. They will. You replace things that are broken beyond repair, and that’s what you are. A broken, pathetic child. A waste of space, a waste of resources, waste of air, worthless, worthless, worthless. Pay for it. Disappear. Pay for it. Bleed your sins._

A shiver crawled down your spine, the weight of existence setting heavily on your shoulders. The derisive, depressive internal voice had sunk its claws deep into your mind, poisoning your every thought with self-hatred and pain. You wanted believe that it was wrong, but you knew it was right. How couldn’t it be? You had just run away from people who cared about you to cry in a dingy bathroom. Years of constant love and attention from your friends and loved ones and you still couldn’t be fixed. You were broken, useless, _pathetic._

You sank your teeth into the arch between the thumb and pointer finger on your right hand, muffling the high pitched keen that clawed its way out of your throat. Your tears had already dried up, waves of apathy mixing in with the pain of your own thoughts leaving you in a haze of gray nothingness. You needed…. You pulled the knife out of your pocket, flipping it open to reveal the tiny half inch blade. A shiver ran down your spine as you lifted the leg of your pants and pressed the blade just above your ankle. 

__

__

You ran the tip of the blade back and forth, the sting of the sharp point barely making a wave in the sea of apathy you were drowning in. A part of you was screaming, begging you to stop. They love you, you don’t need this, just tell them. Please, just let them know. Let Sans know. He’ll be so disappointed when he finds out… _You’d be less of a disappointment if you were dead._ You didn’t even feel the blade sink into your skin the first time. Or the second time. Or the third.

After nine cuts, made in sets of three, the numbness started to fade. You winced as the sting in your leg finally appeared, and with it came burning shame. You’d given in again, and the evidence of your weakness was carved into your skin for all to see. You gently placed the knife up on the sink to be washed, apathy mixing with shame and making you wish you could disappear off the face of the earth. How much easier would it be if you were just gone? They wouldn’t have to deal with your failure, your need for attention… _you could no longer be such a disappointment…_

A knock at the door startled you. Your back hurt, and your leg burned. How long had you even been there? It could have only been minutes, but it could also have been hours; you had been so lost in apathy that you couldn’t remember how long you had been curled up on that dingy floor. Shit. You hurriedly pulled your sock back up, and slipped your discarded shoe back into place.

“I’m so sorry! Give me just a minute, I’m almost done!”

You tried to pull yourself off the floor, but the pain in your back and knee caused you to misbalance and you fell back against the wall with a solid thump. At least you hadn’t hit your head. A concussion would be awkward right now; besides, you had no idea how you would even explain how you got it. ‘Haha, oh yeah, I was just considering killing myself in this dirty park bathroom, and, oopsie-daisy, I forgot that I’m such a failure at everything that I can’t even get up off the floor.’ Yeah, that’d go over great. You couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped your throat.

“knock knock.”

Well, it was obvious who was on the other side now. The apathy finally completely washed away, and it was replaced with panic. He’ll know, he always knows, and he’ll be disappointed. His disappointment would break you, as if you weren’t already broken.

“W-who’s there?”

It was no use hiding it at this point. Sans was too smart for that. You tried again to get up, this time actually making it onto your feet. Congratulations, you stood up. You’ve finally mastered that basic skill. Toddlers everywhere will be proud.

“peas”

Despite the joke, you could her the seriousness in his voice. He definitely knew something was wrong.

“Peas who?”

Looking in the mirror nearly made you cringe again. You looked half dead. Your eyes were flat and cold, your mouth turned down into a slight frown. You scrubbed at the tightness on your cheeks where the tears had dried, and hoped the redness in your eyes would fade soon. You nearly jumped out of your skin when a skeletal hand landed on your shoulder, Sans appearing behind you from nowhere. His eye lights were dim, his expression serious despite the ever-present grin.

“please tell me what’s wrong.”

He was disappointed, he had to be. Tears welled up again despite your desperate attempts to keep them down. No, no, no, no, not again. Please no, you weren’t strong enough to go through another episode right now.

“You forgot to say ‘peas’.”

Your last ditch attempt at humor fell short as your voice hitched and broke from disuse. His thumb slid under your right eye, catching a tear you hadn’t even noticed falling. Your breathing sped up as you desperately tried to think of something to say. Something, anything. The more you tried to think of things to say, however, the tighter your throat closed up.

 _He’s going to hate you now. He knows you’re weak, he’s seen how useless you really are. Why don’t you give him the full show? Let him find out about those fresh cuts on your leg. Then he’ll really hate you. Hiding and cutting yourself in the bathroom like some petulant teenager. Useless waste of space._ You could feel your face trying to crumple in, so, in some desperate attempt to save what little dignity you had left, you turned from his gaze in the mirror to face the door and stepped towards it. Surely if you got outside he would drop it. All you had to do was play it off for a little bit longer. Just until you had yourself together again and you could think straight long enough to let your logic take over. 

You were almost surprised when you made it to the door without any hindrance. Usually when Sans put on his serious voice there was no escaping until the cause was taken care of. The last time he had used that tone with you was when he had asked you to come talk to him instead of cutting. _Another promise broken, another person you love disappointed by your failure._

"Come on, let's get back..." That line of thought was immediately severed when the door refused to open. You turned around slowly, not ready to face the music. When you saw Sans holding the knife you had left on the sink, it felt as if your heart went straight through the floor. 

_You're not supposed to be like this, this is where he leaves. You broke your promise. You don't deserve him._ The urge to flee was at war with the complete and utter hopelessness coursing through your body. You stood there, torn, as Sans turned to you. His left eye was burning with his blue magic, and you could only assume he'd blocked the door. He swiftly closed the distance between you, and pushed you against the door with his arms wrapped tight around you and his phalanges locking together behind you in a death grip, and he rested his skull against your chest. Then you heard his bones shaking. You gazed down at your distressed lover, and the guilt almost tore your heart in two. 

He was crying, the glowing blue tears leaving a dull sheen as they soaked into your hoodie. His body shook and rattled, and you could feel the tears rising up once again as you wrapped your arms around him. Using one hand to cradle his skull, the other spun in gentle circles down his spine. You sank to the floor and pulled his body into your lap, rocking back and forth and holding him securely. You peppered his skull in chaste kisses and hushed him in trembling whispers. A single tear fell down your right cheek before you were able to suppress the guilt. What you were feeling didn’t matter right now; you needed to take care of Sans. 

After an indeterminable about of time, his crying slowed. You rested your forehead against his skull and silently held him as his trembling died out. You spent a long time with him there, just breathing together and holding each other. Finally he raised his head to meet your worried gaze. He turned in your lap, sitting to face you fully and using his legs to effectively pin you to the floor. It wasn’t until he also pinned your shoulders that you realized that you had been trapped. His expression was torn between anger and indescribable sadness. 

“Are you okay love?”

You asked. As his expression shifted more towards anger, you couldn’t help but wonder if you should have just kept your mouth shut.

**“Am I okay?”**

Yes, you should have kept your mouth shut. When Sans became too angry something in his voice changed. His carefree attitude disappeared entirely. You had only seen this side of him a couple times; once when someone had the gall the threaten Papyrus in front of him, and once when Frisk’s flower friend had insulted you into a near breakdown last Thanksgiving. Papyrus had explained that Sans only got that way when the people who meant most to him were in trouble, but it’d never been directed at you before.

**“No. I am not okay.”**

His eye lights were gone, leaving his eye sockets black voids.

‘Oh God, he’s upset. What do I do, what do I do?’ Your thoughts tumbled about, reaching no actual conclusion. You weren’t really afraid. You didn’t think Sans would hurt you, but a confrontation was bound to be incoming. Maybe bringing up Papyrus would get him to calm down some until you both felt a little more stable, and besides a part of you felt guilty for leaving him alone for so long. You could only try. 

“Shouldn’t we get back to Paps, love? He’s been out there alone for qui-…” 

**“Don’t change the subject.”**

_Everything you do makes him angrier, just shut your goddamned mouth._ Your face must have given away your thoughts, because the hand on your left shoulder snapped up to your face and held your chin in a grip like steel. 

**“Listen to me. I don’t care what that other voice is saying, this is your time to listen to me!”**

Suddenly you were falling through the void. Sans didn’t usually teleport with the both of you, since your body wasn’t accustomed to the empty space in between shortcuts. Caught inhaling, the lack of air from the unexpected teleport flooded your mind with panic for a few moments before you came out on the other side. What little air you had was pushed out of you when your back thumped against your bed. He moved positions to sit on your stomach, and leaned forward to place his face mere inches from yours. The hand on your chin maintained its steel grip, leaving you unable to look away from the blazing blue of his magic flaring in his left eye. The other arm supported his weight as his magic bound your body in place. 

**“Now, stay still.”**

The unpredictable nature of next few minutes is what caused your breath to speed up, or, at least, that's what you told yourself. You couldn’t help the slight excitement from the familiar position. That little pang of arousal felt wrong, considering the situation, but your body ignored your mind just as much as your mind had ignored your body earlier.

Sans crawled off of you and sat down on the edge of the bed. The anger in his face had dulled, but his expression was no less serious. He seemed to be gathering himself for something. You didn’t understand why, until he went for your jacket. He wiggled the zipper down, his movements easy with practice. He checked every inch of skin that he revealed, his eyes scanning your body with an intense gaze. He pulled the jacket from underneath you, but left your swimsuit in place. Instead he went straight for your pants. His gaze shot up to your face when you tensed, and his eye sockets narrowed. 

He unbuttoned and removed your jeans with a newfound haste, pulling your loose shoes off with the same movement. Two bright red cuts peeked over the edge of your left sock. He carefully lifted the black fabric, but the scabbing had fused with it. As one was pulled away, the other followed. Finally the nine fresh cuts were exposed, new blood oozing up sluggishly. 

The last of the anger faded from his face, only to be replaced by sadness and pain. You couldn’t breathe. _You’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt him._ Over and over, the voice gained volume with each iteration. You could feel your chest rise and fall, but it didn’t feel like you were getting any air. Your vision was going dark, and all you could hear was your heart beating in your ears. It wasn’t until Sans’s terrified face appeared above you that you realized that you were hyperventilating. You desperately tried to slow your breathing, but you couldn't breath around the vice-grip on your lungs. You could barely even hear yourself crying agian. 

You couldn’t tell how long it had been, but after a while it suddenly struck you as funny how utterly useless you are. You turned your head into the pillow and began to laugh. 

“Oh my God, I’m just so useless.”

You could hear something that sounded vaguely like ‘no’, but it was drowned out by your own laughter. Each breath felt like it was being ripped out of you, and it sounded like a cross between sobs and hysterics. Which only makes sense, since you’re such a _hysterical waste of space._ Didn’t you know that you’re entire existence is just a joke? A joke played on others until you get the balls to just

_“Disappear, disappear, disappear, disappear, I’m supposed to just disappear!”_

A pair of hands on your shoulders suddenly tightened and began to shake you. You opened your eyes (when had they closed?) and saw Sans’s wide eye sockets. Suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore. Your unstable giggling ended abruptly. A litany of “I’m sorry”s attempted to crawl up and out of you, but you tried to choke them down. And failed. Spectacularly. 

“I-I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. I... Y-you shouldn’t have to see this. I-I’m not… I’m not supposed to be like this. You can still go, I'll be okay. I’ll be back to normal soon, just like always. You don’t have to st-.” 

“don’t say that, please.”

The anger and sadness were gone from his voice, and instead they were replaced with an unidentifiable emotion. It was warm and resolute, something reminiscent of Frisks determined expression when they were fulfilling their role as the monster ambassador. It eased some of your panic, and left you feeling tired and strung out.

“stay here, i’ll be right back.” 

You stayed, not that you had much choice with his magic still holding you down. You closed your eyes and just let your mind spin in aimless circles. The pain in your heart had relaxed some when Sans’ voice returned to normal, but you were still so tired from the emotional onslaught. Everything felt dull and hazy, like a waking dream where nothing really mattered. You could hear Sans distantly rattling around (heh) in the bathroom down the hall, grabbing the first aid kit no doubt. The fresh beads of blood on your ankle had grown tacky and were starting to harden around the edges, and they should probably be cleaned. He had cleaned you up more than once; however, the circumstances were usually much more… pleasant than this. The bites were your favorite. Regardless, you trusted him to take care of you (You pointedly ignored the nagging thought of “then why didn’t you go to him like you promised”). 

Exactly as you had predicted, Sans returned with the first-aid kit in tow. He set the small white box down at the end of the bed and popped the latches. His hands moved with medical precision as he pulled out rubbing alcohol and a bandage wrap. The arousal that had gone dormant during your last episode suddenly flared back to life with a vengeance as you eyed the alcohol. Fuuuck. 

You closed your eyes, steeling yourself for the burn. This was a serious moment, and it felt wrong to throw it off by moaning like the shameless masochist that you were. You listened intently as he popped open the cap on the bottle, to the rustling as he pulled out a cotton ball, the bubbling of the bottle as he tipped it over to soak the little sterile ball of fluff before righting it, and a final pop as the bottle was once again closed. Every moment that passed built up your anticipation. The pain would come any second now and finally… nothing? 

You slowly relaxed. You hadn’t even realized how much your body had tightened up. After almost ten seconds of nothingness, you slowly opened your eyes. Maybe he was sending a text to Papyrus, or.... Your eyes met his, and his left eye socket closed in a wink. A keening moan was practically ripped from your chest as he firmly ran the cotton ball down the first cut. One by one, he cleaned each cut quickly and thoroughly, stopping to soak a new ball every three cuts. Your thoughts were scrambled as each swipe sent a bolt of pain up your leg, which momentarily wrapped itself around your heart before flowing into the rest of your body as waves of pleasurable tingling. This sensation, combined with the nearly complete mental exhaustion you were feeling, was almost overwhelming. You were able to at least choke the noise down to a strained whine. 

The last of the mixed pleasure and pain crawled its way out of your system, leaving you ridiculously turned on, yet too tired to do anything about it. You forced your breath to even out as Sans gently spread antibiotic over the cuts before taping a piece of gauze over them. It wouldn’t stay for long, but the cuts wouldn’t take long to close up either. Your eyes finally focused back on your bone-friend, and his smirk could practically cut glass. 

“i hate to cut in on this moment, but we need to talk.”

He placed one hand atop the now bandaged wounds, a gentle reminder of what had just happened. A final shudder ran through your body and you raised one arm to push your hair back…. Realizing suddenly that you were no longer being held down by Sans’s magic, you sat up and pulled a pillow around to hug to your chest. It was a sad and pointless attempt at hiding, but you felt far too exposed in the bathing suit and far too tired to fight off the feeling.

Sans watched you get settled before moving himself. He moved the rest of the pillows into a comfy stack against the headboard behind you, before he climbed up to sit right between you and pillow mountain. He pulled the last pillow from your arms and instead placed it across his torso. He then pulled you back to rest your head on his chest. A small flare of magic pulled the blanket from its pile on the other side of the bed and over you. 

As you settled in to the warmth and comfort, exhaustion finally overwhelmed you. You tried desperately to fight off the urge to sleep, but you were just barely hanging on. Sans began to run his hand through your hair, directing what little attention you had left back to him. 

“we’re searching for a new doctor tomorrow. i know you feel like the last one didn’t help, but you have to keep trying. i can’t… it hurts so much to see you like this.”

“…Okay, we can at least look, but I… the last one made it worse. I don’t know if I have the strength left to survive it if that happens again.”

Sans gave you a sad but understanding look. His recovery from the horror of the resets had been slow and difficult, but he had been getting slowly better since you had met him. He had said that you grounded him and gave him a constant reminder that they weren’t underground anymore. Sometimes, when the nightmares woke him up, he would just sit and watch you sleep until his soul calmed and his thoughts stopped racing. Others he woke you up and gave himself a very physical reminder that you were still there.

“i understand sweetheart, but we still have to at least try. if you don’t like the one we find, we can try another.”

He paused, the hand in your hair stilling for a second as well.

“today scared me babe. you told me that your attacks get bad sometimes, but i didn’t know that _this_ was your definition of bad. i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

He leaned down and pressed his grin against your forehead. You managed a small tired smile. Suddenly a jolt of panic jumped through you and you shot up from your comfortable position. 

“Sans, what about Papyrus?” He chuckled, and pulled you back to your previous spot. 

“paps is fine. i told him what was probably going on before i went to find you. he agreed to pack up and head home if i didn’t come back. i believe his exact words were “brother, if my future sibling is feeling upset then you simply must go help.”

You couldn’t help the warm feeling of contentment that settled in your chest when you heard that, nor the laugh that escaped you at Sans's impression of his brother. Not that you were fighting it to begin with. You would have to plan another swim party for him, maybe with Undyne this time. Lord knows you couldn’t even hear yourself think when those two got together.

You finally let yourself relax all the way, and almost immediately you started to drift off to sleep. Sans re-arranged pillow mountain, pulled himself out from behind you, and laid you down on your side. You were about to turn and give him a sleepy glare when you felt him cuddle up behind you and pull you tight against him. 

“you asleep yet?”

He chuckled at your half asleep groan.

“i love you sweetheart.”

“You too Bone Daddy.” You mumbled.

He burst into laughter at the rarely used nickname. You were right on the edge of finally falling fully asleep when he whispered one final promise into your ear.

“and don’t think you’ve escaped your punishment for not coming to me either. you’re going to need plenty of rest for this one, so sleep well.”

His low growl shuddered through your back and straight into your dreams.

You couldn’t wait.


End file.
